My child is bullying others
It can be difficult to hear that your child is involved in bullying others. You might feel anger, shame or embarrassment about what your child may have done. Children and young people are still growing and developing, so they will not always get things right or make good choices. This is part of the social learning process and it doesn’t mean they are ‘bad’. Bullying is a behaviour that can be changed.
Responding
Telling someone about bullying is not easy. Bullying another person can lead to feelings of guilt, fear of getting in trouble and shame. If your child tells you they’ve been involved in bullying others, the most important thing you can do as a parent or carer is listen without judgement. Let them tell you what’s happened and, when they have finished, ask any questions you may have. Try not to express blame or anger, let them know they have been heard and that you will work with them to make things better. Let them know they have your support.
If you’ve been told about the bullying behaviour by someone else, don’t confront your child with an accusation. Take the time you need to be able to address the situation in a calm way. Find a quiet space and calmly let them know you’ve been made aware that there’s an issue. Ask them to tell you what has been happening. Let them know you are there to help, that no one gets it right all the time and that you want to help them resolve the situation.
If your child tells you they’ve been involved in bullying others, the most important thing you can do as a parent or carer is listen without judgement.
Supporting your child
If your child is bullying others, this may be a sign they need support in developing their social and emotional skills. Children and young people who bully can struggle with managing emotions, empathy and building positive relationships. They can also have low feelings of belonging at school. There is evidence that some children and young people who bully may do it out of a desire to belong, a need to be accepted or to try to improve their status.1 Without guidance, these challenges can persist, affecting their wellbeing and future success.2
Learning to treat others respectfully is an important part of social and emotional development. You can help your child develop these social and emotional skills.
How this helps
- It creates a nurturing environment where a child or young person feels safe, understood and supported.
- It supports social confidence, resilience and overall wellbeing.
- It protects against the negative impacts of bullying behaviour.
- It helps make bullying behaviour less likely.
What you can do
- Spend quality time together.
- Talk openly, kindly and regularly.
- Show interest in your child’s social and school life.
- Set firm boundaries.
- Actively listen.
- Show appreciation for your child.
- Offer emotional support.
- Let your young person know they will be listened to if they want to talk or need help.
How this helps
- It helps children and young people feel liked and respected.
- It supports self-esteem and a sense of belonging.
- It helps protect against the negative impacts of bullying behaviour.
- It helps make bullying behaviour less likely.
What you can do
- Support your child to form friendships based on kindness, respect and trust.
- Encourage sharing, helping, cooperating and showing kindness and respect to others.
- Encourage participation in extracurricular activities they enjoy. This allows them to build positive relationships with people their age in a structured, supportive environment.
How this helps
- It helps protect against bullying’s negative effects.
- It helps make bullying behaviour less likely.
What you can do
- Support positive family and social relationships.
- Encourage healthy habits like regular exercise, a good sleep routine and balanced nutrition.
- Support healthy coping strategies such as using self-compassion, challenging unhelpful thinking, asking for adult help, seeking support from friends and getting mental health support.
How this helps
- It helps children and young people learn empathy and appropriate ways to resolve conflicts through example.
- It helps them learn how to treat others with respect and kindness, as positive relationships provide an opportunity for children and young people to see healthy, respectful interactions and behaviour in action.
What you can do
- Consider how you manage conflict in your family. Could this be done in a more respectful way?
- Consider how you talk about other people. Could this be done in a more respectful way?
How this helps
- Through ongoing, supportive conversations, a child or young person can come to see their behaviour in a larger personal context, and this can help motivate and support positive behavioural change.
What you can do
- Talk to your child about their behaviour and actions. Discuss how the other person might have felt and how they themselves might feel if the situation were reversed.
- Ask what sort of person they want to be, how they see themselves and if their actions align with this.
- Talk about how they could behave differently in the same situations.
Support from health professionals
Bullying others can lead to psychological distress. Seeking mental health support such as professional counselling or therapy can help protect children and young people from the negative effects of bullying by supporting them to process their experiences, examine their behaviour, challenge their thought patterns and express their emotions in more positive ways.
Behaviour change can be difficult. Mental health practitioners can support children and young people with proven tools and strategies to help them understand what’s driving their behaviour and to build healthier ways to cope, think and act. A good first step is to consult the school counsellor, GP or other healthcare professional.
Services such as Kids Helpline and Headspace offer free phone and online mental health support and counselling for children and young people.
If you are worried a child or young person might harm themselves, seek help immediately.
Resources
Emerging Minds and Raising Children Network have some great resources for parents and carers supporting children and young people who are bullying others.
Self-care
Don’t neglect self-care when supporting your child. Bullying impacts everyone involved and it’s important to make sure that you seek support too. This might be a trusted friend or family member to talk to, a counsellor, GP, psychologist or a support service such as Beyond Blue.
- Green, D.M., Price, D.A., & Spears, B.A. (2023a). Persistent bullying and the influence of turning points: Learnings from an instrumental case study. Pastoral Care in Education, 1–21; Green, D.M., Spears, B.A., & Price, D.A. (2023b). Reforming approaches to persistent bullying in schools. In Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Education. OUP.
- Guzman-Holst, C.T., & Bowes, L. (2021). Bullying and internalizing symptoms. In P.K. Smith & J. O’Higgins Norman (Eds.), The Wiley Blackwell handbook of bullying: A comprehensive and international review of research and intervention, pp. 562–579. John Wiley & Sons; Le, L.K., Chatterton, M.L., Rapee, R.M., Fitzpatrick, S., Bussey, K., Hudson, J., Hunt, C., Cross, D., Magnus, A., & Mihalopoulos, C. (2023). Burden and preference-based quality of life associated with bullying in children. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 32(1), 53–62. doi.org/10.1007/s00787-021-01807-5; Kochenderfer-Ladd, B., Ladd, G.W., & Thibault, S.A. (2021). School bullying and peer victimization: Its role in students’ academic achievement. In P.K. Smith & J. O’Higgins Norman (Eds.), The Wiley Blackwell handbook of bullying: A comprehensive and international review of research and intervention, (Vol. 1, pp. 619–638). John Wiley & Sons.